Monday, February 4, 2008

Heron Dance #234

I know without a shadow of the doubt that I'm pursuing the wrong career in life. I never thought I would do this very long and viewed my current job as a resting place on my journey while I try to figure out "what next". What I don't think I bargained for was just how stressful and ethically worrisome this job really is - it's so draining, and I feel that I'm barely keeping my head above water. Lately, I've begun to feel like I'm nearing a breaking point in trying to handle the uncertainties and stress in my life right now. I dream of escaping into nature to clear my mind and heart! How I miss Montana!

This realization about my job has been reconfirmed to me in a million and one ways over the past 6.5 months, and it was shown to me again in this Heron Dance edition.

Ron MacIver wrote about a deep breath test, which you can read below. What I know is that when I take the test, I get back a resounding NO! I'm thinking about ways to change my path and I have a few ideas that I'm still mulling over. I'll share them with you when I've got them formed. Promise! In the meantime, if anyone has any advice, I'm open to it.

I feel such acute loneliness these days and I'm not quite sure how to cope with it. What I do know is that a longer visit home is in order. I haven't seen my family in almost 5 months, and I miss them and the perspective Ohio offers. Some sunshine wouldn't hurt either.

Okay...onto MacIver's test:

I’ve been thinking back this morning over the roughly fourteen years since I started the publication and how I’ve frequently meandered away from that original vision. It is kind of like trying to walk a straight line by looking at your feet rather than a point off in the distance. If you walk in the snow, then you can look back and see how much you wavered. On the positive side, I’ve never lost my faith in the importance of that distant point, and I’ve known from a feeling deep down inside when I was walking towards it with faith and confidence. That feeling is one of centeredness, of balance, of inner warmth.

If I take five deep, slow breaths, and ask myself whether or not I’m on the right track, I get a crystal clear answer back. A feeling of distress, anger, unease or sadness tells me that I’m on the wrong track. At times like this, I ask myself: What is scaring me that I don’t want to confront? What question am I avoiding? What question am I keeping from myself because I am afraid of what the answer will direct me towards? Is there a change I’m trying to avoid.


Buddhist_philosopher said...

No great advice here, babe. Just know that I love you and will support you and that you have lots of really amazing people who love you too. I think a few will pop up here to show their support, others are out there too though.

Some time in nature would be great to shake off all the craziness of life right now. Maybe go this weekend? Just pack a smudge stick and bathing salts and your journal and drive, find a B&B by a river in the middle of nowhere - maybe Ohiopyle, PA - leave your phone and computer at home... Other things can wait.

Margaret said...

It's okay, let go! Let go of the job, the worry, the fear... You are loved and cherished, you will NOT fall! Listen to this mantra; learn to chant it; it will see you through:
It's the Gayatri mantra; a free but meaningful translation is:
"O Divine mother, our hearts are filled with darkness. Please make this darkness distant from us and promote illumination within us." I have used this in my own life, more than once.
We are all here for you. Breathe.

Jennifer said...

Hi Kelly,
My thoughts are with you.
Hugs Jen

Patia said...

Hon, why don't you come back to Montana?

Kelly said...

Justin - I like your idea of escaping into nature. What I really wish I could do is to book a flight into Missoula, head up to Lolo pass and cross country ski, settling into the ranger's station for hot cocoa afterwards. Magical. I think about that a lot. I'm not sure what I'll do this weekend, but I'll work to take care of myself.

Margaret - got your email and will reply to it soon! I want to follow through on that exercise first. I haven't written anything down yet, but the list is growing! Thanks, too, for the mantra. Soothing.

Jen - THANKS!!!

Patia - girl, you are so right! Justin and I are on it. We're working on ways to return. Your pictures sustain me in ways you can't even imagine, especially now that I have your calendar hanging up!!!

Patia said...

So glad you like the calendar. Thank you for buying one. You were one of two people who did! :-)