I know without a shadow of the doubt that I'm pursuing the wrong career in life. I never thought I would do this very long and viewed my current job as a resting place on my journey while I try to figure out "what next". What I don't think I bargained for was just how stressful and ethically worrisome this job really is - it's so draining, and I feel that I'm barely keeping my head above water. Lately, I've begun to feel like I'm nearing a breaking point in trying to handle the uncertainties and stress in my life right now. I dream of escaping into nature to clear my mind and heart! How I miss Montana!
This realization about my job has been reconfirmed to me in a million and one ways over the past 6.5 months, and it was shown to me again in this Heron Dance edition.
I feel such acute loneliness these days and I'm not quite sure how to cope with it. What I do know is that a longer visit home is in order. I haven't seen my family in almost 5 months, and I miss them and the perspective Ohio offers. Some sunshine wouldn't hurt either.
Okay...onto MacIver's test:
I’ve been thinking back this morning over the roughly fourteen years since I started the publication and how I’ve frequently meandered away from that original vision. It is kind of like trying to walk a straight line by looking at your feet rather than a point off in the distance. If you walk in the snow, then you can look back and see how much you wavered. On the positive side, I’ve never lost my faith in the importance of that distant point, and I’ve known from a feeling deep down inside when I was walking towards it with faith and confidence. That feeling is one of centeredness, of balance, of inner warmth.
If I take five deep, slow breaths, and ask myself whether or not I’m on the right track, I get a crystal clear answer back. A feeling of distress, anger, unease or sadness tells me that I’m on the wrong track. At times like this, I ask myself: What is scaring me that I don’t want to confront? What question am I avoiding? What question am I keeping from myself because I am afraid of what the answer will direct me towards? Is there a change I’m trying to avoid.