Tao Te Ching

Walking through fields of loss, I find I sit down often and cry because I don't know what else to do. The rate at which I am finally beginning to process events which have occurred has almost unhinged me in the last few days because the sorrow is becoming almost unbearable.

And while I have other emotions which are surfacing (and which I'm told is normal), it is sorrow which is most constant, especially on a rainy morning like today's.

The Tao Te Ching tells us in verse 23:

When we completely lose our way, we become one with loss.
When we become one with loss, loss embraces us.

Publicly I may appear stoic, but privately I grieve on my knees, on the floor; prostrate. I can't hold myself anymore. It is in these moments when loss embraces me and the floor or Mother Earth holds me. It may not be what I need, but it leaves me feeling supported, even for just a moment.

The gift of receiving

I've been going for very long runs over the past week with my friend, Lynn. Often, as the road or trail stretches out before us, we find ourselves chatting about matters of spirituality, quantum physics and God. Yesterday was no exception. The theme of yesterday's run was "the gift of receiving" or at least becoming comfortable with the idea.

We concluded that women of our age, and perhaps even those younger than us, are taught no...trained to become Wonder Women -- that we can do and have anything we want and we can achieve it all by ourselves. No help needed, thank you very much. Take it away Destiny's Child.

As one of these self-professed and rather burnt out Wonder Women, I ask from where did this silly nonsense come?

What's worse...if you've already achieved the reputation for being a Wonder Woman, then it can be hard to shake, even by those who profess to love you.

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being Wonder Woman. It's a persona I am trying to retire. The shiny utility belt, rocking cool "magic lasso" and those flashy headbands...they've all lost their appeal. And, just for the record, not even Diana Prince could sustain Wonder Woman 24/7.

Now, while Kelly means "Warrior" in Gaelic, it doesn't mean that I want to be one all the time. I certainly don't want to feel the expectation of being one during rough times. It's a lonely role. You're expected, especially by those who are in need and who say they love you, to carry them when they cannot carry themselves...to have the patience of Job when your own heart is breaking, and to "rise above" trying situations.

Ad infinitum Ad nauseum.

I don't think anyone wants to see how tough this can really be on Wonder Woman, especially those who are leaning on her -- she's just supposed to handle it perfectly and without complaint. How can she tell them their own needs when they can't even hear them or, even worse, consider/validate them.




You know what? Maybe Wonder Woman just wants a break. I mean, look at the above picture -- she clearly needs a day at the spa! In the above image, we have Super Man and Company begging her to come back and save the world. They're resorting to language like "The Justice League (said group) needs you" (call to address need in their terms and without consulting her first).

What these other superheroes don't realize is that by presenting their needs to her in this fashion, they leave her little choice but to accept them, denying her the right to feel vulnerable. They silence her. They assume she will just cooperate because of this extreme need. She's obviously trying to make her voice heard but I don't think she's really getting anywhere.

If the above picture is any evidence of her plight, it shows an attempt to use her voice. She clearly doesn't want to give anything to the Justice League right now because, as she said, she "can't". She's also in distress (there are tears on her cheeks) and I doubt it's because of those pointy boots of hers.

It's quite possible that she needs to speak her truth and not have it misinterpreted by others.



I think she wants to re-discover her vulnerability, which can be tricky after so much time spent in Wonder Woman's shoes. Maybe in discovering her vulnerability and stepping out of the boots, it will encourage others to rise above and find strength they didn't even know they had. Maybe then some of the imbalance can be righted.

Perhaps then she can truly receive.

A little wisdom from DailyOM

This piece of wisdom from DailyOM was sent to me by my friend, Margaret. It's so fitting. Thank you.

The Heart Of Humanity
Sitting With Our Sadness

The last thing most of us want to hear or think about when we are dealing with profound feelings of sadness is that deep learning can be found in this place. In the midst of our pain, we often feel picked on by life, or overwhelmed by the enormity of some loss, or simply too exhausted to try and examine the situation. We may feel far too disappointed and angry to look for anything resembling a bright side to our suffering. Still, somewhere in our hearts, we know that we will eventually emerge from the depths into the light of greater awareness. Remembering this truth, no matter how elusive it seems, can help.

The other thing we often would rather not hear when we are dealing with intense sadness is that the only way out of it is through it. Sitting with our sadness takes the courage to believe that we can bear the pain and the faith that we will come out the other side. With courage, we can allow ourselves to cycle through the grieving process with full inner permission to experience it. This is a powerful teaching that sadness has to offer us—the ability to surrender and the acceptance of change go hand in hand.

Another teaching of sadness is compassion for others who are in pain, because it is only in feeling our own pain that we can really understand and allow for someone else’s. Sadness is something we all go through, and we all learn from it and are deepened by its presence in our lives. While our own individual experiences of sadness carry with them unique lessons, the implications of what we learn are universal. The wisdom we gain from going through the process of feeling loss, heartbreak, or deep disappointment gives us access to the heart of humanity.

***

Another way to put it is as Sir Winston Churchill once said, "If you find yourself in hell, keep going." I think the trick is not to get stuck along the way and some do. I think what I need to do is to care for myself now. I need to move within and I plan to take the rest of 2008 to do it. Wish me luck...I think I may need it.

Composure

Looking upon a lake up in the Beartooths.

Composure apparently means "calmness or repose especially of mind, bearing or appearance". Well, at least that's what Merriam Webster says. I am still trying to draw my own meaning, especially since it is being sorely tested of late.

Is Shunryu Suzuki Roshi correct when he says that "composure" is "to find composure in the face that everything changes"? It feels that way these days.

"Composure" can also mean "putting one's mind together" but is different than "equanimity" which means "with even mind."

Semantics aside, what I know is that I'm trying to regain my composure in the face of great change. Change so deep that I don't know if I will ever be the same again.

These days, I find myself gazing out and trying to see what's now before me given what is now behind me.

Sitting by my tree at Holland Lake, February 2007.

Heron Dance #248

The latest from Rob MacIver...seemed fitting for what I'm feeling right now.

A New Dawn

One spring morning sixteen years ago, at a time of great turmoil in my life,
I saw the sun rise up over a marsh at the edge of the Atlantic Ocean.

As the sun rose, and the subtle hues of the marsh turned soft pastel—
Blue and red and yellow and green and brown, all shifting—
And the sun shone brighter and brighter,
The colors turned sepia for a few seconds.

A Great Blue Heron rose up from the edge of the marsh.
A large bird, a mythic bird, its wings obscuring and being obscured
By the sun and the sun bouncing off the water behind.
I knew my life would change, and that I would live before long
In a much larger world, a brighter world, than my world then,
which was one of Wall Street, business and despair.

That larger world was always there,
But that sunrise and that bird brought it into my life and my heart.
For a second, what I thought I knew, I didn’t know
And what I didn’t know, I knew.

***

There's been so much dramatic change in my life this past week that I don't know what to make of it. What I do know though is that my life is changing course. I'm not sure where I'm headed now, but I know I will find my way. I always have.

New thoughts from others

Lover of books that I am, I could not resist giving you all some treasured quotes from Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson, which I just finished reading and which focuses on the importance of education for women.

"After attending a conference of development experts in Bangladesh, Mortenson decided CAI schools should educate students only up through the fifth grade and focus on increasing the enrollment of girls. 'Once you educate boys, they tend to leave the villages and go search for work in the cities,' Mortenson explains. 'But the girls stay home, become leaders in the community, and pass on what they've learned. If you really want to change a culture, to empower women, improve basic hygiene and health care, and fight high rates of infant mortality, the answer is to educate girls" (p. 209).

"'If the Taliban is gone, why do you still wear the burkha?' Bergman asked. 'I'm a conservative lady, ' Uzra said, 'and it suits me. Also, I feel safer in it. In fact, I insist that all my lady teachers wear the burkha in the bazaar. We don't want to give anyone an excuse to interfere with our girls' studies.' 'But don't you feel, I don't know, oppressed, having to look out through that little slit?' Bergman, an emancipated woman from San Francisco, asked. Uzra smiled broadly for the first time since Mortensen met her, and as she freed herself from her burkha, he was struck by how beautiful she still was at fifty despite the hardships she'd endured. 'We women of Afghanistan see the light through education, ' Uzra replied. 'Not through this or that hole in a piece of cloth.'" (p. 289)

"Jahan took a breath and composed herself. 'When I was a little sort of girl and I would see a gentleman or a lady with good, clean clothes I would run away and hide my face. But after I graduated from the Korphe School, I felt a big change in my life. I felt I was clear and clean and could go before anybody and discuss anything. And now that I am already in Skardu, I feel that anything is possible. I don't want to be just a health worker. I want to be such a woman that I can start a hospital and be an executive, and look over all the health problems of all the women in the Braldu. I want to become a very famous woman of this area...I want to be a...'Superlady,' she said, grinning defiantly, daring anyone, any man, to tell her she couldn't."

***

I remain convinced that education is the best way to stand on your own two feet and face the world. I applaud Mortensen and his work. Kudos to you!

A New Perspective

Sitting within a petrified redwood tree in Yellowstone (June 2007)

Things have been very challenging as of late, and I feel lost and confused. Still, I was reminded tonight that sometimes you need to rise above your situation in order to see clearly.


Thanks, CJ. I needed that.